Fear, Shame and Bullying

When I was a younger child, I definitely took my fair share of being picked on by various groups of people. I didn’t have the latest and greatest clothes, my glasses were very thick and being one of the smart students definitely didn’t endear yourself to everyone. But I did my best to think fast on my feet to not let people get the best of me- at least in the public eye. I may have shed a few tears in private, wondering if I would ever lead a life free of ridicule, and it amazes me today that bullying seems to have gone into a more dangerous level with the internet and videos flying about capturing the hateful acts.

I learned that fear and shame fuel bullying. If someone has that much intensity to their personality to make your life miserable, then they clearly have low self-esteem issues and aren’t confident in facing themselves head on. I didn’t have to prove my self-worth to anyone- I know I’m a worthwhile person and have a lot of great traits that make people want to be around me.

I worry about bullying with my two daughters- not that they would do this towards others but that they may fall victim to others. It’s already hard enough that kids will use anything they find as different to separate you from your peers, I just want both of my daughters to know how special, wonderful and talented they are.

I watched an episode today on the Dr. Phil show regarding bullying and girls, and it made me very sad that this continues so prevalently today, to the point where some girls think about killing themselves over the torment and pain. What about attacking people in a 10 against 1 effort makes you feel so much better than the rest of the world? Is this how you are going to face your fears when you have to tackle an issue solely on your own?

It’s probably why I never had one particular social clique growing up, and I developed my own friends based on my own interests. Metal music spoke to my anger, my social awkwardness and channeled that energy in another direction- a healthier one than taking it out on other humans. Bowling gave me a sport outlet, something I could find new friends with and also become better at on an individual day to day basis. Writing gives me the chance to empty my mind and soul, pull thoughts together and is as natural to me today as breathing.

When you see someone isolated because of fear and shame, give that person an ear and an offer to listen. We all want to be understood and feel important in this crazy world we live in. Remember a time when someone was able to pick you up when you were feeling scared, sad or angry, and pass it forward to another. Bullying has no place in the human race. We are hear to love and honor our fellow humans- not push them down in the dirt to boost up others.

Have a safe and happy holiday season everyone!

Be Ready For Learning

I’m reading a great new book by John Wooden regarding mentoring. John Wooden has won the most national college basketball men’s championships in the history of the sport. He’s had the longest winning streak in the history of the game and also had the privilege of coaching a couple of undefeated teams. But one of his greatest gifts he’s given to people have been the lessons of knowledge and experience he’s passed on to others through mentoring.

Not just basketball players or coaches benefit from his Pyramid of Success tool he’s developed. One of the concepts he talks about with basketball coach Roy Williams is the fact that if someone with experience and success offers to give you their time to gain knowledge and wisdom, you should take the opportunity when it shows up.

I’ve been lucky enough through the years to have business owners pass on wisdom to be about running a business, coaches who’ve helped me excel at bowling, and professors who were willing to take the time to break down and reconstruct my writing. I’m always up to ask questions of others who are more skilled, more knowledgeable and who’ve gone through a lot of the ups and downs of life that I want to learn from.

I believe you can learn from the moment you are born to the moment you pass away. If you are unwilling to grow, I do believe certain parts of you wither away from non-use. Every time my children experience something, whether it’s an excellent grade on a project that worked hard on or a punishment they receive as a result of making a poor decision in their life, I hope they take what happens, learn from it to grow in the right direction.

I found it interesting in the forward that John Maxwell would be willing to spend a certain amount of money for people he wanted 30 minutes of their time to ask questions of. When he would get people to accept, John would spend 10 times the amount of time he would get with the particular person preparing for this mentoring question and answer session. Don’t be afraid to ask these people out for a breakfast or lunch and probe their brains and be willing to take down their answers and implement their knowledge into your own habits.

I study the best writers, I continually read 3-5 books a week, I watch motivational DVD’s and video material, I listen to audio books and lectures/ seminars on my car rides to and from wherever I go. I take notes, I ask more questions and I’m willing to implement what is offered into my life. I think most of my successes have happened in my life by the Jack Canfield adage of preparation meeting opportunity. When you’ve learned a skill and can apply it with ease, you can achieve more faster than someone else who’s ill prepared for what may be placed in front of them.

I hope you think about this as we approach the new year. Everyone makes pie in the sky resolutions of what they want to achieve, but without research, preparation, the resources to achieve these resolutions and accountability, you’ll quickly fall back into the same routine you’ve always had, getting the same results you’ve always seen. Don’t you want to achieve more next year? Wouldn’t you love to be increasing your income and increasing your recreation time? How about improving the quality of your relationships both near and far?

Be ready to make this year a year of learning, a year of sharing, and a year of special outcomes. Good luck in the pursuit of all your hopes and dreams- I look forward to discussing these concepts more in the coming year.

Backlash

As expected, when one door opens, another one is sure to follow in this household. Tripped you up there, didn’t I? I don’t think we ever believe in closed doors, we tend to be such an open book in knowing that our daughters have so much to fight for and so much to resolve. My oldest daughter feels a certain amount of guilt over her younger sister not being with us right now. If only I could have gotten along with her better statements have been pouring from her mouth.

It’s tough to have her accept the fact that no one can make those choices she made but herself. When someone comes into conflict with every member of the family, in every possible combination of solo or group interaction, they are looking for some outside help. If they can’t control their anger in private or public, they need help. If getting a child to handle a simple morning, afternoon or evening routine that she’s been doing successfully for years suddenly sends her into a scream fest, you need outside assistance.

So today when my oldest felt it was necessary to test her level of worth in the house, she threw a fit of her own. She grabbed every expensive item not tied down to the walls and left them in the hallway. She grabbed doors and kept slamming them and opening them- even attempting to tape us inside our bedroom to show us how mad she was (but I wonder how much of a punishment that would really be?). After 30 minutes we got her focused on basic who, what, where questions, had a bowl of ice cream and eventually got to the bottom of the issue: she believes my youngest daughter is there because of her solely.

My wife and I knew this backlash would happen. I suppose it’s better sooner over the course of the weekend than getting a phone call during school time which has happened before. I’m amazed that my oldest still worries that if the youngest becomes more normalized in her behaviors, the oldest believes she will be forgotten. Let me tell you- her outgoing, engaging personality will not let that happen. Everyone who gets the chance to know her remembers her, and that they always comment on how great she is to be around, communicate with and engaging as a person.

The trick will be giving her enough attention so that she realizes we love her, while also encouraging her to spend time with other friends and family members. I don’t want her to feel consumed with guilt. I know she wants the home to back to a level of four members, and we will be there when my youngest gets the help she needs. We received our first phone call from her there. My wife and I sensed she was bored and longing to come home, but not really understanding fully what she needs to show and do to get back home.

In the meantime, we get a chance to build up our mental fuse reserves. Life still goes on, and we can only hope that when she returns that the daily tantrums and violent outbursts subside. We build ourselves back one moment at a time, and that’s how I plan to handle her and my other daughter through the rest of their lives.

Ghost of a Chance

One of my favorite Rush songs, I’m hoping that a recent turn of events gives our family a chance to live and breathe with renewed hope and faith. Our youngest daughter will be receiving services in the community to work on her struggles with anger and violent outbursts within our home. I realize life has been very difficult for her within our safe walls, as she feels very overwhelmed with having to follow a school day and then come home to another set of rules with her parents.

Among the many questions or comments that come about, the struggle I have is people who judge what I’ve done and thinking that they have a better solution- without living my life 24/7/365. This wasn’t a rash decision- it’s been months and months of day in, day out turmoil. We took into account viewpoints from her therapist, her psychiatrist, family members, the school system as well as what she’s stated she wants at this time. I wish those naysayers would see that when you’ve had severe abuse and trauma with parents in your early years, strangers become friendly to you as you prefer to maintain a distance from everyone.

Getting close to people scares you. So let me throw every behavior I can to overpower the situation, keep myself safe and know that I will live to see another day. I’ll laugh at inappropriate times because I don’t know really how to express my feelings in the right way. I’ll magnify a paper cut into the biggest pain I’ve experienced in my entire life- but when I fall down a flight of stairs and twist my ankle I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off and act like nothing ever happened.

It’s our third go around with this type of residential treatment model- and we’ll see if it’s the charm or if she just uses the time as a break away from us. She’ll get the chance to learn from peers and staff how to handle her emotions- and it’s up to her whether she’s willing to use the tools they offer or if she dismisses them and believes her way is still best.

We reminded her that we still love her and her place within the home is not gone. Now we get the chance to give my oldest daughter the one to one (or two to one) attention she craves. She’s been able to make such large changes over the past seven years. She’s developing great strengths of care, concern, and empathy for all types of people around her. She works hard to achieve the best grades in school she can, and I think she’s attempting to better control when a bevy of emotions flood her head space.

I won’t give up on any family member. I believe change can happen even in the depths of despair. There’s always a way to solve any problem- I know it’s a concept I return to again and again thanks to Mark Victor Hansen. Children are supposed to make mistakes and learn from their failures- let’s see if this challenge helps my younger daughter realize that she’s not unlike others in her age group struggling to make sense of her developing mind, body and emotions.

The Ball Is In Your Court

If you’ve been a regular reader of these entries, you know the holiday season can be a bumpy ride in my household. The general public puts such fevered attention on family, and when you have adopted daughters that only magnifies their emotions to another level. Low tolerance for anything, easily swayed into depression or aggressive moods, just wanting to get the days over and out so they can feel normal once again.

We’ve had to introduce outside support services for one of our daughters due to her increase in behaviors and general lack of handling even basic daily activities within our household. One moment you can be having a lucid conversation about the day’s events and within 30 seconds if she doesn’t like what you say you watch her face flush with anger and you better be prepared for anything as far as a tantrum.

We started tonight on a basic, detailed step by step plan for how her night and morning would go. She struggled for the first 20 minutes on the plan, but with a little patience and love in the air, she was able to get everything done and off to bed safely without a major meltdown. I think taking her mind off of her immediate displeasure with taking a shower and onto a friendly round of Connect Four made things go smoother. We were able to talk in a non-threatening manner about what troubles her about following these directions and move her forward to what she ultimately wanted- sleeping in her warm bed.

I have to remember that chronological age and emotional age are so different in our house. She bottles up so much stress from her school day that when she comes home, the last thing she wants to handle is another set of demands placed upon her. I think she needs some energy release in the afternoon, but to date we’ve been able to find something that matches up to her wants without taking out a bank loan to pay for it. Walking around parks? Nope. Cheerleading? Sure- but I only want to do it with the biggest and the best team in the city… and you are going to pay for it. Soccer? Tennis? Basketball? That would mean I’d have to play on a …. team!

At this point in time the ball is in her court. We have another meeting scheduled today where the crisis team will assess how she did through the night and if there are changes we need to make to the plan. She’s stated that she needs a break and may be granted one. The thing is, whatever you leave still exists when you come back to it. I think in her mind she believes the further away she is from a particular problem, the quicker it goes away without her having to be a part of the solution.

My wife and I know we have to balance these needs while also taking care of ourselves and our other older daughter, who worries about us more than a teenager should. I’m thankful for the support we will get to guide us through these times, and I’m happy that I have great friends and family who are patient and willing to listen even if they don’t fully get all the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle we are experiencing.

I don’t give up on anyone. I’m determined to show her that you can heal, that your past does not dictate your future and everything can change for you in an instant. We just need her to see the opening and be willing to start crawling onward and upward into a different future.

To be continued, thank you for reading and I appreciate all of the kind thoughts through the months of my development of this blog.

Relax… Take A Break

The winter approaches, the climate changes, and the mood rises and falls like the incoming or receding tide. Can you tell our family is having a tougher time than normal holding things together? Outward appearances may be quite deceiving. The key has been knowing when to say when and step outside to take a break- even if only for a few minutes or hours.

How do you take a break when you have to be around your family- especially if one member is intent on delivering as much anger and pain as they can spread on the rest of the group? I’ve learned to read, put headphones on and crank up my favorite music, sometimes become productive within the apartment and do laundry- whatever it will take to get endorphins moving in another direction.

What are some of your favorite hobbies or interests that you can lose yourself in and develop a better frame of mind after completion? I’m not much of a video game person, but I do believe the Wii now has more interactive and healthy propensities, especially as you play many of the sports and fitness games. I don’t mind going for walks around parks or into the downtown area from where we live- the fresh air and deep breathing help to cleanse my whole body.

It’s better to take a stretch break if you are at a sit down job for work at least once an hour. I’ll often combine pacing and reading to get two things done at once. I’ve done my best thinking after I take a warm shower because the brain gets a chance to disengage. I have times where I schedule breaks in my day but often the best ones happen spontaneously- especially if I’m feeling a situation where I’m about to lose control.

So don’t be afraid to remove yourself from one environment to go into a fresh one if you are going to be better off in the end. It’s not a sign of weakness to realize you are about to do or say something you may regret later on. Negative actions and consequences can live on with humans for years compared to the times when you looked the other way, did the right thing and gave yourself a break.

I’ll even play with my cats if I need a break and can’t leave the house. Laughter works as well- a good comedy movie or sit-com will act as good as a nice warm bath for others. I’m off to take another break before I head into work. Have a wonderful day, be grateful for everything you have in this world and share some kind words to people you haven’t had a chance to speak with in over a month. Small impacts add up to bigger rewards.

I Want To Know What Love Is…

What a tough day in our household. Therapy day normally isn’t the most favored activity on my daughters’ schedules. They know they have to work out their pasts and also handle their present, but it’s not fun week after week listening to your own life story and juggling the ensuing feelings. I didn’t expect though that arriving home would cause the girls to just explode- and once again I had to be the peacemaker as best as possible.

I get the fact that my youngest wants the perfect family. Yet the crux of the issue lies in her lack of self-worth. She’s unwilling to follow easy instructions. She marches to her own beat when it comes to communication. She’d rather accuse you of having an issue than look within herself and witness the choices she’s making that are creating her current outlook on life.

How do you teach someone about love? It’s not an activity I believe you can merely gain superior knowledge in through a book. Is love something that we merely feel through our minds and hearts, or do you need total sensory experience through touch, through smells, through eyesight? How do you reignite the spark of trust when a person staunchly believes that they are unlovable?

I realize what also factors into the mix is the holidays. Adoptive children feel intense emotional overload surrounding traditions that emphasize the family. Thousands of doubts, fears and insecurities run through, particularly scenes of happiness as well as despair if something terrible happened during one of those Thanksgivings or Christmases.

When everyone went to bed, my wife and I reminded each other that changes will take place. Whether it’s additional outside support that will come within the home, or if certain members will have to go to other facilities to receive the treatment they need- love will still be present. It’s a shame when you see someone with so much potential who would rather go through life in a passive, non-committal manner than to put their whole heart, soul and body into the game.

It’s a wonder I’m not going crazy. I’m so thankful for everyone I have in my life that helps me stay sane. The gift of music to keep my ears buzzing, the greatness of bowling to throw my energy in a safe direction. The mind which pumps out thoughts that you are reading right now. The books that I read to learn, grow and share with others. I know as Jack Canfield has taught me that no matter what people may do or say to me, I know in my head and heart I’m still a worthwhile person.

The title of this entry may come from the title of the biggest Foreigner hit song, but my hope is that my youngest daughter takes another chance to learn about love from us. 4 years is a long time to stay on the sidelines and feel like you are all alone to face this world. When will that “a-ha” moment hit where she discovers that negativity continues to breed negativity, and that you aren’t permanently unlovable because of the early years of turmoil and chaos.

Wish me luck as the journey continues.

Together Everyone Achieves More

We come into the world as individuals, yet we know we need fellow human support to thrive. Look at the people in life that helped you accomplish most of your breakthroughs in life and there’s usually a group of family, friends, and co-workers who deserve a special mention. When you see someone struggling through a crisis or stuck in a negative pattern, you usually don’t have to look to far to see they feel helpless and/ or alone with no hope to overcome their current situation.

Together everyone achieves more. Be it in a small way with a kind suggestion or a bigger investment in terms of being there when you need them at any time of the day, individuals can make big changes in any part of their lives if they are willing to extend their network, pool together resources and surrender a little bit of their pride to the process of change.

I might not necessarily be the best bowler, the best writer, the best reader, or the best listener- but I do believe I have solid skill sets in all 4 of those areas. I’m always willing to help if people are kind enough to ask. There are many times where being a cheerleader of sorts when you aren’t performing to the best of your abilities can be just as important of a role as being the leader in the battle.

The little things can add up to make the difference in a win or a loss, a success or a defeat, a breakthrough or a setback. If you think things aren’t working out to your liking, you have to be willing to ask someone you trust for help, and let go of your ego to accept what they have to say without taking things personally.

To me effort matters so much when it comes to teamwork. I can tell within my family I have one daughter who is working so hard to be a productive, contributing member of our household- and the other daughter prefers to take, take, take without any consideration of self-sacrifice or giving from the heart without any regard to any compensation. Effort, much like change, has to come from within your own mind and out through the actions of your body and soul.

Are you willing to put in the time and energy to achieve those dreams? Do you have the will to study, learn, accept pointers from others much more skilled than you? Can you map out blocks of time each week devoted to your craft- not only in practice but also in actual game-time situations? Will you put yourself in team dynamics uncomfortable to you- just so you can learn more about your strengths and weaknesses?

Chances are throughout life the best dynasties in any arena of sports happened because of self-sacrifice and team work. Pick out one of your biggest goals for 2010 and see if you can assemble the right team of players to get behind you and see if you have an unstoppable work ethic as a result. I’d love to hear your stories and what you plan to achieve in the coming year.

Look In Another Direction

Have you ever heard about what race car drivers do to avoid a big car crash? A lot of times when they train to avoid crashes, they learn to steer their head in the opposite direction of where they are headed. Thus if it’s looking like they are going to hit a wall to the right, they need to consciously move their head to the left which will also cause a shift in their arms.

I think if we want to make significant changes in our lives, we should take a page from that book and look in another direction.

To change your state of mind which is the start of any move in life, you need to switch things up. You can’t repeat what you’ve already done or you will get the same result over and over. How many people do you know in life that are unsuccessful with their careers or their finances or their relationships because they aren’t willing to break away from their previous patterns of behavior?

My wife and I willingly took on the challenge of two adoptive daughters. Both came into our household after significant challenges not only within their birth families, but also in different foster care or residential placements. In order to help them look in new directions, we knew we needed to establish patterns of safety, security and trust. They needed to know as we knew if they would be moving to a new home. We kept their teachers well informed. We are patient and aware that the small baby steps they make in change for the better are significant.

I took a risk seven years ago when I started working at my current job. I’d never worked an overnight full time job in my life. My boss let me know that I would probably have to find ways to make the time pass as the workload mainly consisted of a computer reports, troubleshooting and handling incoming phone calls. I’m thankful that the least amount of stress I experience is at my work- because it gives me the right balance to provide the best support I can at home for my wife and children.

Ultimately if you want to make significant change, you should learn from the experts. If you don’t have the opportunity to do it in person, there’s nothing wrong with audio programs, books, or videos to give you a kick start. Everyone needs help in some area in order to improve their life and perform better. I didn’t become a writer because I generated words from birth. I did the application day after day, sought out teachers and mentors willing to break things down and ask me to do more – plus spent time reading and analyzing from the best writers in the business. I still think I have room for improvement when it comes to writing until the day I pass on from this earth. It will keep me vital, the striving for continuous excellence.

If something means the world to you- don’t give up. Dream, look around, seek out a new direction- because you’ll be so surprised when everything aligns at the moments you least expect them to.

When You Can’t Sleep

Weekends are tough for me. When you work overnights during the week, getting on a steady sleep schedule is so crucial. During the week, I sleep from morning to mid-afternoon. On Fridays and Saturdays, I purposely stay up a little later to cause my body to sleep through the night. If I get to bed too early though, 4 hours seems like a full night to my body.

So when I can’t sleep, I become productive. I’ll write blog entries like this one. I seek the comfort of a good book and read. I’ll often slap on the headphones and get some reviews done. There’s no sense for me to just stare at the television or lie in my bed staring at the walls. The important thing I find is the mind needs to be empty for me to sleep in those instances.

I find that filling my face with food in those instances is a bad idea. Sure it may make my stomach full, but when I go back to sleep where will those calories be processed? So I don’t mind if I end up taking two power naps for sleep through that night. Especially on the day I go back to work, because I get an extra cat nap in to adjust my body to the overnight schedule.

I went for months when we moved to our latest apartment where I couldn’t get more than 4 hours of sleep in a row. I refused to take medication, I just turned the negative into a positive for me. So nowadays I don’t get stressed out if I have an instance of sleeplessness. There’s always a way to solve any problem.

It’s hard to believe we are 2 weeks away from Christmas and almost 3 weeks away from the end of the year. Where has 2009 gone? Are you happy with the outcomes you’ve had this year? What would you like to focus on more in 2010 that you weren’t able to put a finger on?

Personally I’m going to spend more face to face time when it comes to my personal development. I have plans already in place to attend a workshop in my local area that I want to do, and I think I’ll set more plans up like that for the future. It’s one thing to be able to learn the information on your own through books, through videos, through websites, through audio material- but it’s another when you have the opportunity to experience it first hand, face to face, with other like-minded individuals.

I think I can get more out of the information as a result. I will be able to develop a mastermind group with other people seeking out the same support. We can all hold each other accountable for future desires, dreams, goal setting and how we are going about what we need to do on a weekly or monthly basis. There’s so much I want to accomplish in my lifetime that it may seem overwhelming, but I need to break it down into manageable 1 year, 3 year, 5 year and 10 year goals- and then break things down further into action steps I can implement right away.

There’s nothing wrong with working on myself this year to better my future, to have a more productive work life and family life while also meeting my goals. All of this runs through my head while I can’t sleep. Have a good day everyone!