Why Can’t We Talk About It?

Maybe I’m asking for too much. When you sense something off in your family, you encourage people that you are receptive to listening and willing to be patient in the hopes that they get whatever is in their mind off their chest and out in the open. I’m aware of the fact that I may not be able to solve every problem in 10 minutes or 10 days- I just want as peaceful of a household as possible.

Competition rules my house. One afternoon I may spend half an hour helping one daughter with homework- the next I’ll have to help my other daughter. They have a difficult time studying in the same manner- one likes to be loud and boisterous, the other needs complete silence. As a result we had another major meltdown- although I don’t know exactly what I was doing to cause the events to unfold.

Is it wrong for me to want to talk things out before we reach implosion mode? I have no idea what happens often in the 6 hours they are at school. I’m sleeping, I take my shower and I stay awake for 30 minutes before they come home. I give them space to talk about their day, have a snack and unwind. They didn’t even have therapy today, so there should have been less anxiety than before.

I can’t take on the world’s problems. I can’t stop stress and frustration from entering their lives. I can only teach them to cope and use their minds to realize when they are escalating and hopefully redirect their behavior in another, more positive direction. I’m thankful my wife realized that I needed a little time to calm down after the tantrum and regather myself so I would be helpful to others later in the evening.

The winter time really has been harsh on the minds of my daughters. They feel constricted in the confines of the home. When I make suggestions for certain activities, they feign interest.

I guess when I feel emotional overload, I have multiple sources that will help me reflect and re-direct my energy in another direction. Sometimes reading works, sometimes listening to loud music works, sometimes writing gets the energy out, sometimes bowling diffuses things, even doing household chores. It’s a challenge to get the appropriate activities going that will work every time.

It’s the push and pull of children wanting to live in adult roles while we ask them to enjoy their childhood for just a few more years. My wife and I don’t want them to take on protective roles. We aren’t asking them to be queens of the castle, or our parents. We do want them to take responsibility for their actions and realize that words can cut deep, especially if they throw out accusations that they can’t really back up. I’ve found that being physically present but keeping my mouth quiet does wonders, as it forces both of them to really think about what the other person may be feeling and reflect on what was said or done to cause the response they are getting.

It’s why I have this blog. One of my healthiest resources outside of my wife, our therapists and our family and friends to just vent without hurting anyone. I’m sure others can relate to some of the experiences we go through- as all families have to work to get things accomplished. I advise everyone to not just recognize the power of words but also the tone and attitude you use when delivering them.

In the meantime, I’ll always make myself available to my daughters when they need a dad to listen.

Letting Go

I remember as a child how protective my parents were over the relationships I established. They wanted to know my friends, the parents of my friends, the friends surrounding those friends, and anything else to feel like I would be making good judgment calls. They didn’t have a problem with me spending the weekends over certain friends houses. I believe as a result they helped me with the tools necessary to develop a sense of street smarts to go along with the academic abilities I naturally had.

It wasn’t anything for me to deejay a dance on a Friday night, go to a bowling tournament on a Saturday and then go with another friend to the drive in movie theater on a Saturday night into Sunday. I learned a lot about happiness, how siblings struggle to get along just as much as I had with my older brother, and what it takes to make a relationship last a lifetime. Being shy allowed me to observe and use my ears to pay attention to subtle non-verbal signs that helped me gain a better understanding of human nature.

Do I wish I could go back and take more risks as a child? Certainly. I think I was terrible at picking up cues of interest from females. Although I developed many great relationships with females as friends, I didn’t have much confidence in knowing what it would take to develop a romantic relationship. I would doubt myself and read into things that weren’t true. It’s easier to put yourself down and convince yourself that people don’t like you than it is to take a who cares attitude into every encounter.

What would this have to do with my daughters you may ask? I struggle with letting go. I know as they get older I need to give them the strength and confidence to fly free. I want them to have successful relationships, I want them to develop great, appropriate friendships and I hope they get the best in life that they deserve. Yet I know that I have to let them make mistakes and learn from them. I can’t save their decision making all the time, I can’t hold their hand at school and I know that there will be times that their judgment is tested.

Maybe it’s the father in me that wants the girls to know that you deserve to have a guy who will love you for the total person that you are. I don’t want them to settle for less than they deserve. They can lead a successful life and it’s perfectly acceptable to date around until they find the person that will make their life even stronger and better than imaginable.

I want them to know how wonderful they are and how much I appreciate the love, effort, kindness, happiness and joy they bring to my life. My oldest has been thinking more often about the friends she surrounds herself with, and I believe as a result she knows she needs people who will elevate her, not tear her down to the dirt. I can only hope my youngest will take this same effort as she gets older, but I know it will be a challenge for her to get close without getting fearful based on her past trauma.

So don’t freak out as your children want to spend more time in the outside world than within the confines of your home. Train them well, keep the communication lines open and they will enjoy the changing dynamics of your ever evolving relationship.

Rely On The Experts

Even though my wife and I are capable of taking care of a lot of formal things that can be done once a year or once in a lifetime, it’s important I think to rely on the experts if you want to make your life a lot easier. Since having children, we find it’s much easier to have our taxes for instance done by a certified tax preparer. They know the changes in the laws much better than we could ever keep up with, it’s done very quickly and we’ve never been disappointed in our service.

I feel like we have a great landlord in our corner now as well. The manager wants her best to please the tenants who have been here for years, and we are in need of a few updates that haven’t happened since we moved in. Our previous landlord was very slow to fix even the simplest of items and when big ticket items needed to be rectified, they would place a band aid fix instead of spending the time, effort and money to solve a problem the right way.

We have great therapists and doctors in our corner for our lives and the well being of our children. The assembly of all the right people may have taken a little time and a lot of effort on all parts to be on the same page, but I think when the goals are clear and we can work together to achieve something, the forward momentum is awesome to watch and experience. Dealing with mental health and childhood trauma issues aren’t something that can be solved in one quick 45 minute session- the details take time to unfurl and you need to be flexible and on your feet to resolve issues.

I’ve often gone to my bowling teammates and an outside coach for additional help when I feel like my game is off or in a slump. Although I keep my style very basic, there are times when my scoring isn’t how I would like and as a result they can watch things and help me when I seem unable to pinpoint the exact issue. It’s often suggested to videotape yourself also because the camera will point out things that maybe the naked eye is unable to see in real time. I commit myself in practice sessions to working on areas I need shored up as well as making things a little uncomfortable, because I think you can grow in any activity or sport as a result.

There’s nothing wrong with finding someone better than you at something and apprenticing underneath them, or asking for advice. Especially if you acknowledge their expertise, you would be amazed how willing someone will be to help you. I’ve spent thousands of dollars through the years with the wrong type of service and just accepting what is given to me because I didn’t feel I deserved better. There are good mechanics, good rental car services, and great businesses that are working hard to provide stellar value for your hard earned money. The power can be your hands, even if it takes you a few tries to get the right people in your corner.

Look within your own circle of people and you’ll be surprised how much help you’ll receive. Good luck and keep up the great work in the best life we can live.

Get Your Thoughts Out There

Whether you are good with a pencil and paper, a computer keyboard, drawing pictures, or even getting your words out through the mouth and into recorded form, I believe it’s important to empty the mind and get your thoughts out there. As humans we hold so much inside and I think we are now learning about the side effects with holding back, worry, fear, anxiousness- not just within the mind but also through the body.

I’ve been fortunate that I feel it’s necessary for me to get my thoughts out there in many forms. For 20 years I’ve been writing about music. I review albums and concerts right now for 3 different websites, and I also get the opportunity from time to time to interview bands. Since I haven’t been able to express myself in an actual musician capacity, I believe my contribution to the world has been through my years of experience in music, listening to other albums and giving people accurate opinions about what I think artists have to offer and could improve upon.

I do enjoy the trade off of early album advances and free tickets to concerts- but it’s never been solely about the quantity of products I receive. Rather, I feel that I’m doing my part to contribute to a scene that has given me so much more in terms of life, vitality and impact that this is my small way of giving back.

I’ve been writing this blog since the summer of last year. Inspired by my wife’s writing with her blog My Radical Family ( http://myradicalfamily.blogspot.com ) I felt it was time for me to offer my thoughts, insights and experiences through life, our adoption journey, the books that I read and what goes on with my multifaceted interests. I’m thankful for the honest feedback and exchange of ideas I’ve received. I never pre-plan more than a few hours in advance of what I may talk about. Sometimes I’m reviewing and reflecting on the day’s events, at other times the past or the future or a particular audio program/ book may inspire thoughts.

The major point I’m making is this: don’t let anyone stifle your creative juices. If you have something to express, do it. You don’t have to share it with the world: give it as a gift to yourself. Documenting your feelings can be therapy that pays dividends for the future. We all want to feel heard, so journals serve a great purpose and allow you to become objective regarding your experiences.

An idea that I come up with and write in my journal could come to fruition years down the road. But I often find if I don’t ink it immediately, it’s hard to recall exactly what I was thinking about in the moment. Just like a song takes time to ruminate in the mind before you remember all the melodies, chord changes and words, so must you take the time to get the thoughts out there and run the tapes so to speak over and over again. One good idea can make your whole life direction change for the better and set you up for a financial windfall.

Let’s Get On The Same Page

It’s important if you want a family to work together to be on the same page as far as what everyone wants most. You can’t necessarily push your individual beliefs on your children and expect them to not push back, and see where everyone can agree to disagree. Now that we have a support team of therapists and coordinators, the component that my wife and I care most about is stabilizing the family and learning to work towards compliance.

Instead of getting into power debates about what’s being said, we’re learning to be very short and sweet with our messages. If we see someone getting angry, we start sentences with, “I’m sorry you…” and leave situations at that. Holding our children accountable for their feelings and putting the ball back in their court in the sense that we pose questions rather than making them feel bad for their feelings. We want to encourage better choices and decision making ability, and my wife and I know this will be something that takes practice, patience and time to overcome.

My youngest spent a brief amount of time arguing with my wife about shower time tonight- she tried everything to get out of doing it, including raising her voice, yelling, claiming she couldn’t find pajamas, etc. My wife kept the message short and sweet, didn’t debate the issue, and 15 minutes later, she took the shower. Crisis averted. We can build upon this tomorrow night when my daughter may come up with a battery of different tactics to get around this power struggle.

All of us are wondering at this point how much this behavior is personality versus trauma. Because we are aware that if more of the issue is a personality conduct issue, we are probably going to have to think of different therapy models and communication styles to make the house more harmonious for all involved. We’ll need to get additional psychological assessments- which is something my youngest worries about because in her mind, these tests are pass or fail. That’s the way her mind works at this point- very black and white with no shades of gray in between.

I’m so glad that as a family we are willing to be careful with how we approach things and realize that not every therapy technique will work for our children. If you don’t think you are on the same page with a clinician, a technique, a particular behavior- it’s perfectly acceptable to modify and or completely change things up. We have only one life to live, so why bother going down the wrong road longer than you have to?

It’s also fine to make mistakes. You aren’t going to be perfect in the execution of your words and your actions. Just as children struggle to learn wrong from right in areas such as manners, social appropriateness and limits, adults aren’t given a textbook parenting manual that they study their whole lives and know how to use on the fly. What may work well one day may be completely unacceptable another- so don’t tear yourself apart thinking that you are a horrible parent.

Tomorrow we live to see another day. We hope that our youngest daughter will see how much we love and care about her, and that she doesn’t have anything to fear within the walls of our apartment.

Face To Face Connection

We have so many ways to communicate in the world. Video conferencing, computer chat, multiple phone devices, texting, email, fax- even good old fashioned pencil or pen to paper letter writing. I hope that people don’t forget about the human need for face to face connection, the ability to take in all the senses and experiences through natural bonding.

I’m reminded of this every time I go bowling in league. It’s a 2-3 hour night out where we are participating in the same activity, but I gain the chance to connect with people from all walks of life and share in the experience. Whether I bowl good or bad, I’m given the chance to laugh, cheer, and talk with my teammates and opponents not just about bowling but also about daily events, sports and what’s going on in their lives.

I’m thankful that growing up, my parents limited my television watching. They encouraged my brother and I to play outside after we finished our homework. We had pick up soccer, baseball and football games with kids in our neighborhood across the street in a sandlot. I’d ride my bike to visit friends in all parts of town- because fortunate for me, I had many friends who didn’t live downtown. You learn more about how to engage in friendships and social skills as you gain exposure through these experiences.

My oldest daughter last night took the opportunity to go out to eat with me and was cognizant of the fact that when you are with people in public, maybe it’s a good idea to shut your cell phone off to devote the time to the people you are physically with. Is there anything wrong with giving your friends and your family full focus when you are with them? Are the text messages that urgent that you have to answer them within 5 seconds?

The instantaneous connection factor has many positives- especially if you are in an emergency situation- but I believe this double edge sword also allows people to sink into less than acceptable social mannerisms and behavior. I’ve literally seen situations where two people are at a table in a restaurant together, texting or talking to people on their cell phones to other people. You might as well be turning your head and body to talk to a couple at the next table.

Make it a point when you schedule outings with family and friends to put your instant communication devices away, on vibrate and give your full attention with your mind and body to other humans. I’d hate to think that we are turning into a nation full of brevity and multitasking – it’s perfectly acceptable to relax and enjoy your time around others.

And now it’s the weekend. I’ll be sinking my teeth into a couple of bargain book purchases that recently came into my life- Thank You Power by Deborah Norville and The Passion Test by Janet Bray Attwood and Chris Attwood. I’ve read both through the library and couldn’t pass up the 80% discount through one of the Barnes and Noble stores.

Practice your face to face connection and make an appointment with someone you haven’t had the chance to hang out with in a long time. You’ll be glad to see them and gain more confidence in your abilities to communicate effectively.

Birthday Wishes

Well, another year under my belt in the fulfillment of life. Each year I hope to grow and learn from the previous year. I feel like the children we raise keep me young, as we are one of those families that really plug in to our children and their interests and attempt to give them good role models and people to be around.

I look for peace within our home- or at least re-establishing a daily routine so that we can have a more cohesive family environment. I want a better understanding of my feelings as they come up and how to handle them without pushing the people that are closest to me away. I want to attend a couple of personal development seminars or lectures where I can interact with like-minded people in a live setting. I think those additional relationships will bring me better social skills and expand my horizons interest-wise.

I believe my age is merely a number and that you are only as old as you feel in your mind. The interesting thing about my birthday is that if I had waited 90 minutes to enter this world, I would have been born on the same day as my father. My mother always said I felt I had to be in this world as quickly as possible, during the worst blizzard of that time period.

I’m going to work on having a better sense of humor in my daily interactions with life. I’ve read many case studies about the powers of laughing and particular groups that develop daily laugh sessions to improve their immune systems and fight off sickness. I’ve been to comedy clubs in the past with my wife and I think it’s something I will work on more in the future- planning date nights where we can laugh off some stress.

Do I wish the chaos to disappear for one day? Yes, even if I have to take a vacation of the mind. I don’t have huge expectations over birthdays- I think they are more important during your childhood than they are in adulthood. I appreciate the recognition though. So I will make the best of this day, and strive to have a memorable 24 hours.

I thank one of my classmates from my early school years for all the class pictures she’s been posting on Facebook. They’ve given me and my family a good laugh or two, as I’m sure children photos will for my daughters when they look 10-20 years beyond their schooling time. My wife likes to point out the fact that one of my favorite facial expressions (aka the burrito face) is something I have had with me since youth.

So enjoy your birthday this year. Throw a party if you’d like, or keep it close and celebrate within your circle of friends. Acknowledge where you’ve gone over the past 365 days and what you would like to do in the next 52 weeks. You aren’t getting older- you are gaining wisdom while maintaining the mindset of a person with better experiences.

Discovery Through Recovery

I’m not proud of myself for my outburst yesterday afternoon. I woke up in the afternoon with my heart aflutter, a panic attack that I’ve never really experienced before. I dreaded my daughters coming home from school, as we would be heading to therapy right away. When they did get home and engage in a conversation, they both verbally clashed over incidents that have been happening recently. When I asked my oldest daughter to stop- four times- she just insisted on keeping the disagreement going. The younger one would utter things under her breath.

So I did what any normal man in this situation would do, after years and years of just building up and putting out emotional fires for days. When I commit to something, I go in all the way, so the breaking point hit me that afternoon.

I cried my eyes out.

The girls probably couldn’t believe a father could let his emotions get the best of him. But I needed to show them that I have had enough and that something has to change. My oldest daughter apologized profusely and immediately. My youngest on the other hand worried 10 minutes after my outburst if we would be stopping at the store to get a snack before therapy. Despite that fact that every time before we go to therapy, I stop to get the girls drinks and snacks.

After supper, we had another session with our in house therapist. One of the keys that I learned through this introductory session for me is the following: a person who has had my youngest daughter’s journey will struggle the most in a family environment because she can’t control the distance of a family structure as much as you can control how close you get to people in public, in therapy, even in school. In other words- she has to re-learn what her role is, how she’s to respond to us and how to comply to basic directions within the household.

This will be a tough process. When you have one child who understands her role and the appropriate interaction in order to get her needs met and you have another child who protects and defies because she feels her needs are not being met, it can be exhausting. The in house therapist wants to introduce the family to psychodrama, a form of role-playing where everyone will get the chance to act out the roles of other family members to see outside of themselves into the eyes of others.

I’m in a good place after this 6 plus hours and time to reflect. We were able to make it through a night of picking out clothes and taking a shower- even if it occurred tonight more so because the therapist would be here. We’ll have to see what tomorrow brings in terms of her mood and outlook on life. The next session she’ll have will be a one on one outing in the community.

I’m so glad I have my wife and family and friends here to keep me sane. I thank you for giving me time to breathe and your patience while I chat about these situations on social media sites. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to ask people about their experiences and their opinions, and see if I’m doing the right thing or if people believe I may be completely off base. Day by day we’ll get through it, and I’ll update things as they progress along…

Meeting After Meeting

The fun begins. My youngest daughter officially left her community based acute treatment center (CBAT for short) at 11am on Monday. Behind the scenes I attended her discharge meeting with the clinical team that assessed her and our coordinator for services at home. We spent 45 minutes looking at if we believe we have the necessary services in place and what to expect from our daughter in the coming weeks and months forward.

We all agree the goal is to not see her hospitalized again. I believe that she may have seen parts of herself in the outbursts of others at this treatment center, which may make her think long and hard about repeating those behaviors again. One of the things she stated on the car ride home that she didn’t enjoy was the lack of choices the children had at the center- surrounding the simpler things in life such as programs and channels to watch on television as well as meal choices. It made her relish the fact that we have more freedom of mobility at home and maybe when she complains about some of the choices she can and can’t make quite yet, she’ll realize it’s based on the progress she needs to make to gain more privileges and responsibilities.

Some of her days will seem like she’s running from one event to another- so we have to be careful to provide some down time into the mix or I fear the overload will cause another sustainable meltdown. That’s why I believe my wife and I will work on one goal at a time- and then when she’s able to master one area, we can move onto a secondary goal.

It’s already been well established that based on her past history, she has trouble attaching to caregivers/ family. So compliance matters more to us at this point in time than establishing a long term attachment- I think we have to gain trust back and she needs to understand her role in the family structure. Our coordinator believes that with time she’ll gain the attachment- I just believe that she needs to gain the confidence and a positive self-image to help her realize she can make a great impact on this world and within our family.

This will be another point in life that patience, consistency and communication will be vital to averting crisis. I know I’m not in this alone. I will lean on the support of my friends, my family, my wife, and the team of clinicians, psychiatrists and doctors around us. It’s the one thing that makes human so special- we all have our own thought patterns and how we assess and process information.

It’s hard to believe how much she’s growing as a person in the time since she’s been away. We just want her to take her feet from out of the clouds and willingly place them on our ground. Mental health issues aren’t something you can put a band aid on and they’ll heal themselves within a couple of days. The scars can last a lifetime, and you never know when triggers are going to appear and cause more pain and suffering. I just want her to know, I still love her and I’m glad that she’s back.

The Sun Will Shine Tomorrow

The first day of a new month brings about the settling in of our youngest daughter. I’ll be attending a discharge meeting in the morning and take the drive home with someone who hopefully is ready for some form of family stability. The one area that’s tough for all of us on the outside to help with is what seems to be going on inside my daughter’s head that plagues her mind and sets her attitude off into an uncontrollable rage.

Today when she called me, she was very matter of fact about what she wanted (permission to watch a particular movie), and then quickly got me off the phone. We feel like there’s a little bit of a disconnect between what she says to us when she talks to us to open a conversation and how quickly she distances herself by the end of the conversation. It’s as if the words and actions aren’t matching up.

I’m sure she’s on guard- as are we. When you’ve invested years into a relationship and had to spend the past month plus away from home, it’s only natural to have nervousness about how the first day and first week will go back together. We hope that when she feels an outpouring of emotional overload- be it from stresses at school or home- that she learns to handle our redirection, uses appropriate coping skills and recognizes that she doesn’t have to revert back to that aggressive behavior anymore.

I never give up hope on anyone. Whether they have a eureka moment in the next five seconds or it takes someone 20 years to realize it, anyone can decide that they are ready for steps in the right direction and not let past fears, past trauma, past neglect or past abuse control them any longer. You have to be willing to make the total commitment- patience and understanding have to be there in spades, without judgment or disdain.

My wife and I signed up for this journey seven plus years ago when we adopted our oldest, and I’m so impressed with the resiliency and ability to break through both girls have made. We may have set up the safe, secure place for them to thrive- but they are the ones doing the real work and tackling their challenges head on while also growing up.

No one said being a parent is easy- but I definitely know that parenting adopted children makes me realize that anything you read about in the books that exist out there, be prepared to modify on the fly. To those who are afraid and think there’s no hope- look around you and do not be frightened to ask questions of others. My wife attends a great support group that’s very helpful for her. I find that writing about our journey helps me to release energy in a positive way.

The sun will shine tomorrow, even if it feels like today was dark, dismal and dreary. Listen to others, learn from their stories and see if you can apply their experiences to your family. There are strength in numbers and I find the more love you provide and give the better results will occur. Maybe not as quickly as you would like, but even the small sparks eventually ignite the fire for change.

I feel like the next four to six weeks will be taking our therapy world to another level, so I’m prepared to explore what will come out of this.