We are all back together as a family. The four of us approach life with a mix of excitement and apprehension- only because we struggle with developing the right balance of attention and space. We did a psycho-drama exercise with our in house therapist a couple of days ago that really brought to light a couple of things that I need to work on.
One: I can be within the same room of the house and not fully engage with my children. They would rather have a 1/2 hour of my undivided attention in a preferred activity of their choosing than to be here for 3 hours in the room while I read, surf the web or watch television. I need to really work on that for the days that I’m here in the afternoon and evening time. Even if they choose not to take me up on the offer, I need to make myself available as I think they really feel centered, loved and important when I place the full focus on each of them.
Two: That basically I want to keep my brain going, and there are times I just need to let loose, relax and have fun. I can’t take on the world’s problems. I can’t save my children from their past. I can only hope to work where they are at, process at the speed they are capable of handling and make sure that we have the structure in place for them to thrive. They need to see me laugh- not take myself so seriously- and understand that it’s fine to fall, dust yourself off and pick yourself back up to do something better.
Three: I’m struggling to maintain my sanity as a father of two daughters. I was warned that as my daughters got older and they came to terms with their past, a flood of emotions would come to the forefront and we would have to be there to help them. Some days are better than others. As a male I want to help them so much. I’m hurt when they want to talk to their mother more than me. I also know that because men didn’t stick around in their lives, I’m at a serious disadvantage because they fully expect me to be just like the other male authorities figures who’ve come and gone.
This is our weekend fun to process and deal with. How did I cope today? I took the time to go with my friend and her son to the mall, so the four of us could take in some open air and some shopping. I write in my journal when I can just to have the thoughts pour out of my head onto the page. I’ll put headphones on my laptop from time to time and just listen to some aggressive music.
I realize the energy has to go somewhere. I can’t take it out on my family members. I’m glad that I have bowling also to look forward to, and I think I need to get back into consistent deep breathing and relaxation/ visualization techniques to lessen my stress level. I will survive another day. I know I’m a good person and my daughters want to lead a good life. I will not give up in making them successful, loving and kind people.